It’s my question right now. Though I want an answer,
though I want understanding and I want to know exactly what God wants to do
with my life…I have to trust that even though I don’t know what I am doing with
my life, He does.
Why is my subconscious going crazy?
In my first dream
I am carrying an item of importance to me…my
stuffed lamb. And I always associate my lamb to when I became a Christian…In my
dream there are people trying to steal it from me but I resist…but I see so
many lost! So many lost! So many lost... and wandering…and wandering. So many hurt
and they have no clue how to see the truth that will set them free.
In my second dream
I’m in the airport…I’m with my mom and sister. I hear sirens
going off and the airport goes into a lockdown. The gates start closing, planes
stop taking off. And all the TVs turn on showing footage of panic and chaos of
a nuclear bomb going off, a nuclear war. The airport PA system alerts that
nuclear bombs are going off all around the world. I look at my mom and sister
and hold them close, but the only thing I can really think of is that I know so
many people who are unsaved and say
“I
wish I could have done more…I wish I could have done more!”
And I am awake.
This has challenged me. There are many other things that I
would rather not share publicly that I am asking “why?” to…but this got me
thinking why did I dream these dreams? More than anything I want to love you
God and be passionate about YOU and I want that to reflect in the things I do
no matter where I am at. I ask YOU to change my heart no matter where I am
Lord! I truly want to do what YOUR word says and to be more like YOU and be
sanctified set apart. I want to be on fire for you Lord!
Generally a movie conveys meaning, a thrill, or maybe just a happy or funny moment in time to escape from reality.
“The Perks of Being a Wallflower,” for some odd reason, played on ALL my emotions.
You either love it or hate it. In my case I loved it and hated it. It
brought back memories, some good, some bad; it showed pain; it showed
joy; but the ultimate reality that hit me was the underlying tone of
hopelessness. Others may disagree with me on this because so it seemed
that the movie had it’s “happy ending.” It still left me in utter
despair at the end of the movie crying in pain. And I know why…my
worldview as a Christian makes me see through lenses completely
different than everyone else. This is not a bad thing; this is a good
thing. Though it makes me heart feel so vulnerable and easily crushed.
If anything, it spurs me on to be real about my faith and want to share
it. I had heard the phrase ”you keep to yourself and do what works for
you and I’ll do what works for me.” It’s not that simple. I cannot keep
to myself. If I truly believe there is only one God, that we broke
relationship with him, that we are now separated from him, and that
there is only one that was perfect enough (Christ) to reunite us with
God, and I truly believe in hell, a place eternally separate from
God…WOULD I NOT BE A HORRIBLE PERSON NOT TO TELL EVERYONE I KNEW! If I
truly walked around believing there was a hell and I truly walked around
believing there is a Magnificent, Holy, Loving God, and there is a way
to once and for all to be re-united with him, wouldn’t it seem more
uncaring of me to say I believe and never share it with others? I don’t
want anyone…anyone to perish.
No matter who you are, or what religion, I think most people would
agree that death is devastating. It still hurts and it never feels
“natural” that someone should just die. There is mourning over death;
the departure of a person from this life. So if we were to make our life
into a movie there really would be no such thing as a Happily Ever
After…and if we were to make it to “The End” of our life movie it would
always be a sad ending because everyone’s life ends in death! And even
in a Christian worldview, where I truly believe that even after death
there really is a “Happily Ever After,” death is not easy to swallow.
This is why I want to still do counseling, this is why I want to work
with kids, and I want to deeply cherish and love people…because this is
the only hope I have…and if I didn’t have it I’m not so sure I would be
around today. Because even as a Christian I have to fight for the joy I
have in Christ because this world is still tough and I still have
problems just like everyone else but I have hope in God that keeps me
going.
What kind of hope is it to think we have just evolved and are now in
control of our own lives? Our lives are always out of control, we can
never really predict what is going to happen next. To think we just die
and that’s it. Your dead and no one is more than likely going to
remember you after 100 years.
Or what about trying to earn favor with God…because my goodness that
has to be tiring. I mean how many good works do we have to do to “earn”
God’s favor? How do we know that we have truly done more good than bad?
Is it because we follow the laws here on earth? Well if we are all
sinful what makes us think following laws here on earth matter in the
kingdom of heaven? It may make us “good” in the standards of the world,
but not in the standards of a Holy and perfect God.
I love the fact that I can finally admit that I am so messed up and
that I can’t do it on my own! That I have a God willing to love me
despite how much I fail…and now I can fall in the arms of my savior and
say “SAVE ME!!! I CAN’T DO IT! I NEED YOU, I NEED YOU!” I don’t have to
worry about controlling my life and messing it up, I don’t have to worry
about trying to do enough good to cancel out my bad…He did it all. I
have a savior I can trust in and want to love Him and all people while I
am here on this earth…until I can one day be reunited with him for all
eternity and knowing I had given all my effort to share this with as
many people as I could here in this world. And I desire to see YOU right
there with me in eternity.
