Dear Lord,
I
need you. I feel so distant, I sometimes feel like I am just blindly walking in
this life from one day to the next not taking your word seriously. You have
called me to ultimate sacrifice and joy and you have done so because you have
already given an ultimate sacrifice, yourself, and you did it with joy…for me.
Why don’t I enjoy you? My life can be mundane, it can be full of trials, and it
can be filled with happy moments…but shouldn’t my joy for you surpass it all? I
read your word and it makes sense…but it is not touching my heart. I hear how
your changing lives but I remain still and unmoved. I’m afraid of sacrifice and
giving up the things that make me numb to the issues I face or the emotions I
don’t want to feel. I see my sin way more than I want to and run to people to
help me fill the void or resolve my issue and walk away feeling irritated at
myself, or at them and remain void. The question is not so much “Where are
you?” but “Where am I?” I already know that your always with me and I believe
that but God what is wrong with me!? Please change my heart and help me to see
outside of myself…I miss the community. I miss feeling like I have purpose as I
have no job right now. Please…I just want to be used by you. Help me to repent
and change the areas of my life that need it so I may find my joy in you and
give you glory God…I admit I still don’t know what that looks like and I maybe
figuring that out for the rest of my life but in the meantime give me joy
beyond this world while I am figuring it out.
Your daughter,
Rachel
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