Raw

I want to punch something, I want to scream, I want to run, I want to cry, I want to fall, I want to wither in despair. I want to give up, I want drown in sorrow. My anxious thoughts are many, my loneliness is much, my heart has sank to my stomach as I have allowed the things of this world that I put hope into without realizing fall out of my hands and watch them shatter like glass on concrete. I feel like I am losing hope like water in my hands. Its all vain, this world. Its real, I tell myself this, and I hardly ever questioned it but day by day as I allow the thoughts of despair to disable me I have to start preaching to myself the blessings and miracles God has done in my life over and over and over and over and over again. That I have to look at this world and the knowledge given to me by god and know there is a creator…and one that loves me. What is wrong with me O Lord…this is not about me please, I need to see you, feel you, I want your touch like a lovers touch when holding hands for the first time. But you love me more than that. Oh God…dear God I need you.

Lord My Master

Dear God,

Am I going crazy?

I feel my mind going hazy.

How could this be?

This temptation in me

My heart beats faster

My flesh is my master.

Tears want to flow,

These sorrows I sow.

I’m a sinner the same

Heal me of my shame.

My heartache’s,

My spirit shakes,

O God, break me,

O God, make me,

NEW

Bring me to the ground,

My sobs the only sound

I feel your ease.

Forgive me please!

Thank you Lord my master,

Without you I am only a disaster.

My Story Is For God's Glory

Often times I have wondered "Why my story?" I do not want the story I have. I have cried out to God before and have even been bitter that I was given the testimony that I had. One of over-exposure, trauma, and consequence. But the fear of God struck me, followed by his mercy, his grace, and then his healing. Your story, my story, they are bring God glory. There is no weak testimony, there is not strong testimony, for everyone all in the same there is God's testimony, of what he has done for us all. For some their great testimony is that God has saved them from experiencing the traumas of life and are able to be used to glorify him, and for others they are so far down in a pit they can't even see the sunlight anymore...and God rescues them, for his glory. None of this about ourselves. Never has been never will be. So in it all, if my story is what has brought me to the Lord and brings him glory I will embrace it and know that even though I remember the wounds they are healed. The wounds are just a reminder to cling ever closer to my Lord, my Savior, my Redeemer, my Deliverer, my King, my Father.