11/03/07
“I dislike my horrible thoughts and I want to fix my actions. I need to remind myself in everything I do that God is watching me and should think ‘What would Jesus do’ I have no been bringing these Christian values everywhere I go and I should be. I need to bring them not only from church to home but to school, work, and extra curricular activities as well. It seems so hard to make God complete leader of my life because this means thinking about him 24/7 and thinking about the good I should be doing in my life. I just need to take small steps every day to lead to a better person with myself so I do not get discouraged when I fail. Failing is part of the process of trying. Trying at least means I have the courage to do something and changes things in my life. If I do fail I will try and try again even if it may never be accomplished. I want people to like me for being a sincere nice and kind Christian and know that I am this way because you God have made me that way. I do not want to do wrong in front of others and then claim out loud your name because I would be ashamed and I would dirty your name.
Not one person knows this but you Lord…so I’m not about to write it down for anyone to find out but I want to ask for forgiveness for these thoughts that do cross my mind that make me wonder. I hope for something that is so wrong. I do not like these thoughts. They give me excitement and wonder but I am ashamed of them. Why am I so weird?? I may seem like a pretty normal person who tries to do good but if someone where to go inside of my mind they may find me to be a sick psycho. I have a good way of controlling my inner evil I guess. I do not know if every one has the same trouble but I’m sure I am not alone. I’m glad you exist and that you are here with me. I love you Lord, my savior, and God my amazing creator.”
-This is truly my heart at the beginning to know who God really was in my life and as God of the universe. I still had a lot of things wrong. I still wanted to perform to earn God’s grace and be a good person…but even then God was breaking me down and I realized how evil I am not matter how much I could clean myself up on the outside. The thoughts that I was once to ashamed to even write in a private journal not only became a reality but it was something I talked about as if it were a normal part of life as I stepped further and further into temptation and sin.-
No comments:
Post a Comment