I want to compare myself to other people and think…why can’t I be a mature, quite, calm, and well-respected woman? Then more people would like me; then more people would take me seriously. (Proverbs 31:30 “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”) But it doesn’t matter how many people like me. Lord you LOVE me! You saved me! I went through the things I went through that made me who I am and you came to me and love me despite me! You know my past, present, and future; you created me. I’m thankful that you are refining me and making me more like the image of your son Jesus. (Romans 8:28-29 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.”) I am thankful I am not in this alone because I cannot be the body of Christ alone…I have little to offer but we need every part of the body to function as one and I am apart of that. I came from a place of darkness that the only light I could see was to pretend that the darkness didn’t exist. I would pretend for a little while or delay the oppression with laughter until it died. (Proverbs 14:13“Even in laughter the heart may ache, and rejoicing may end in grief.”) I would fill my time with immature, stupid, worldly things to bring temporary happiness. (1 John 2:15-17 “For all that is in the world -- the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life -- is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.") I wanted to be stuck in childhood forever. When I saw the adults around me I thought to myself I never want to grow up. I looked at their lives and all I saw was depression, fighting, divorce, anger, financial problems, and etc.; why in the world would I want to be an adult? I was stuck in the mind of a child wishing I could go to “Never, Never Land”
WHO KNOWS THE DARKNESS I HAVE SEEN!! Only the Lord…has been there through it all, and been sovereign through it all. But the images, they will never cease to exist. I get chills when I truly remember. Even scarier than that though is when I see how sinful I really am and I sometimes think I want to run back to darkness. All the good gifts that God gives I have some how warped one way or another…Two years of my life I hate talking about for a reason…but sin is sin and to go into detail would only create unneeded pity or cause sinful thoughts for other people. (Romans 8:3-4 “For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.”)
I can no longer look at some of these beautiful gifts the same ever again no matter how hard I try. Those are my consequences. But bigger than my sin and bigger than my consequences is my saviors victory when he nailed each one of my sins to the cross and redeemed me so that I may live another day to tell others of this savior mightier than all the powers of darkness in this world as he has overcome the world. (John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”)
My identity is in you. It’s no wonder that without you I had no self worth because I am nothing and you are EVERYTHING!
(2 Corinthians 12:10 “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”)
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