It’s my question right now. Though I want an answer,
though I want understanding and I want to know exactly what God wants to do
with my life…I have to trust that even though I don’t know what I am doing with
my life, He does.
Why is my subconscious going crazy?
In my first dream
I am carrying an item of importance to me…my
stuffed lamb. And I always associate my lamb to when I became a Christian…In my
dream there are people trying to steal it from me but I resist…but I see so
many lost! So many lost! So many lost... and wandering…and wandering. So many hurt
and they have no clue how to see the truth that will set them free.
In my second dream
I’m in the airport…I’m with my mom and sister. I hear sirens
going off and the airport goes into a lockdown. The gates start closing, planes
stop taking off. And all the TVs turn on showing footage of panic and chaos of
a nuclear bomb going off, a nuclear war. The airport PA system alerts that
nuclear bombs are going off all around the world. I look at my mom and sister
and hold them close, but the only thing I can really think of is that I know so
many people who are unsaved and say
“I
wish I could have done more…I wish I could have done more!”
And I am awake.
This has challenged me. There are many other things that I
would rather not share publicly that I am asking “why?” to…but this got me
thinking why did I dream these dreams? More than anything I want to love you
God and be passionate about YOU and I want that to reflect in the things I do
no matter where I am at. I ask YOU to change my heart no matter where I am
Lord! I truly want to do what YOUR word says and to be more like YOU and be
sanctified set apart. I want to be on fire for you Lord!
Generally a movie conveys meaning, a thrill, or maybe just a happy or funny moment in time to escape from reality.
“The Perks of Being a Wallflower,” for some odd reason, played on ALL my emotions.
You either love it or hate it. In my case I loved it and hated it. It
brought back memories, some good, some bad; it showed pain; it showed
joy; but the ultimate reality that hit me was the underlying tone of
hopelessness. Others may disagree with me on this because so it seemed
that the movie had it’s “happy ending.” It still left me in utter
despair at the end of the movie crying in pain. And I know why…my
worldview as a Christian makes me see through lenses completely
different than everyone else. This is not a bad thing; this is a good
thing. Though it makes me heart feel so vulnerable and easily crushed.
If anything, it spurs me on to be real about my faith and want to share
it. I had heard the phrase ”you keep to yourself and do what works for
you and I’ll do what works for me.” It’s not that simple. I cannot keep
to myself. If I truly believe there is only one God, that we broke
relationship with him, that we are now separated from him, and that
there is only one that was perfect enough (Christ) to reunite us with
God, and I truly believe in hell, a place eternally separate from
God…WOULD I NOT BE A HORRIBLE PERSON NOT TO TELL EVERYONE I KNEW! If I
truly walked around believing there was a hell and I truly walked around
believing there is a Magnificent, Holy, Loving God, and there is a way
to once and for all to be re-united with him, wouldn’t it seem more
uncaring of me to say I believe and never share it with others? I don’t
want anyone…anyone to perish.
No matter who you are, or what religion, I think most people would
agree that death is devastating. It still hurts and it never feels
“natural” that someone should just die. There is mourning over death;
the departure of a person from this life. So if we were to make our life
into a movie there really would be no such thing as a Happily Ever
After…and if we were to make it to “The End” of our life movie it would
always be a sad ending because everyone’s life ends in death! And even
in a Christian worldview, where I truly believe that even after death
there really is a “Happily Ever After,” death is not easy to swallow.
This is why I want to still do counseling, this is why I want to work
with kids, and I want to deeply cherish and love people…because this is
the only hope I have…and if I didn’t have it I’m not so sure I would be
around today. Because even as a Christian I have to fight for the joy I
have in Christ because this world is still tough and I still have
problems just like everyone else but I have hope in God that keeps me
going.
What kind of hope is it to think we have just evolved and are now in
control of our own lives? Our lives are always out of control, we can
never really predict what is going to happen next. To think we just die
and that’s it. Your dead and no one is more than likely going to
remember you after 100 years.
Or what about trying to earn favor with God…because my goodness that
has to be tiring. I mean how many good works do we have to do to “earn”
God’s favor? How do we know that we have truly done more good than bad?
Is it because we follow the laws here on earth? Well if we are all
sinful what makes us think following laws here on earth matter in the
kingdom of heaven? It may make us “good” in the standards of the world,
but not in the standards of a Holy and perfect God.
I love the fact that I can finally admit that I am so messed up and
that I can’t do it on my own! That I have a God willing to love me
despite how much I fail…and now I can fall in the arms of my savior and
say “SAVE ME!!! I CAN’T DO IT! I NEED YOU, I NEED YOU!” I don’t have to
worry about controlling my life and messing it up, I don’t have to worry
about trying to do enough good to cancel out my bad…He did it all. I
have a savior I can trust in and want to love Him and all people while I
am here on this earth…until I can one day be reunited with him for all
eternity and knowing I had given all my effort to share this with as
many people as I could here in this world. And I desire to see YOU right
there with me in eternity.
My first year of college is over. I have learned so much! From my teachers, the Bible, how to write better (kinda) and learning time managment, finances, creating friendships, getting involved in the church, all those things. I have had many times where I have wanted to rip my hair out and become anxious and worry about something that is not lasting. My grades are a big part of college but it cannot be my worth and I will learn from my mistakes and I will get better. I am so thankful for the Lord and the friends he has given me as accountability to get through. I have now been home for a few days and I have finally been able to take a deep breath and relax. I have really enjoyed the time I have had with my family so far. I see how God is still moving even while I have been away. I expect everything to have stayed the same when I came back, and even though much has stayed the same, much has changed. I can say I am thankful for changes I have seen. I'm thankful to see my mom closer in her relationship with the Lord and seeing my sister getting involved in a church and growing closer with the Lord. I'm thankful that God has even revealed to me some areas that I should be praying more for in my life. My family specifically. My dad and my step-mom for example, they are receptive to the gospel but I pray I would get to see real life change and fruit poured out from their lives. And when my sister came into town and as her and I had some time to spend alone, we both talked about how we felt burden to say hello to our grandfather...I haven't talked to in three years...We were both so nervous as we headed over there. Sad thing is he only lives five minutes away from home. He was so different, I saw him and he was skin and bones. I had prepared myself for it, but even then it was difficult. I saw my sister crying, wiping away her tears, as she held onto my grandfathers hand. Both of us had memories that flooded our head. It is hard when there is family strife and as grandchildren you just want to remember the "good old days." I don't want to hang on to any bitterness, or anger, or strife, I don't want to pretend like my grandpa is dead like everyone else has, when hes still alive! Seeing him I know had brought me a lot of peace, reconnection, and even some closure so that if anything did happen to him I wouldn't be torn apart with guilt because I decided to take everyones word that the grandpa I knew was gone. God is really working in my heart and preparing it before I officially start my internship in Virginia and I am so thankful for this time. I can say a million times over that I am so thankful that I have a mom and a sister and some other closer family that truly knows the Lord and they encourage me and uplift me and God has actually used me on a number of occasions to be a light to them and I couldn't have asked God for a greater blessing.
WHY Lord why!? Why do I care??? Why do I care at all?! It does me nothing! ALL I EVER SEE….ALL THE PEOPLE I EVER GET TO INVEST IN DON’T EVEN STICK AROUND THEY WALK AWAY FROM ME THEY WALK AWAY FROM YOU….and I’M SICK OF MY HEART BEING BROKEN….OVER…and over…and over again….Oh God….is that how you feel? I don’t know I don’t know. I’m so ANGRY, so upset…Why do you give me a passion for lost people who don’t even seem to care about you! What good am I!? What good is it??! Am I wasting my time? What is wrong with me! HELP ME GOD HELP ME….I’m so hurt….I’m sick of crying…for people that don’t EVEN CARE…….uhg I hate my heart. Why am I so naive…why do I cry, why do I have compassion! I don’t want these feelings anymore! I don’t want them God! Help my sinful heart…because I am hurt and confused right now. Help me to seek you because I can’t even do that on my own, I can’t even do that right…
I want to compare myself to other people and think…why can’t I be a mature, quite, calm, and well-respected woman? Then more people would like me; then more people would take me seriously. (Proverbs 31:30 “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”) But it doesn’t matter how many people like me. Lord you LOVE me! You saved me! I went through the things I went through that made me who I am and you came to me and love me despite me! You know my past, present, and future; you created me. I’m thankful that you are refining me and making me more like the image of your son Jesus. (Romans 8:28-29 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.”) I am thankful I am not in this alone because I cannot be the body of Christ alone…I have little to offer but we need every part of the body to function as one and I am apart of that. I came from a place of darkness that the only light I could see was to pretend that the darkness didn’t exist. I would pretend for a little while or delay the oppression with laughter until it died. (Proverbs 14:13“Even in laughter the heart may ache, and rejoicing may end in grief.”) I would fill my time with immature, stupid, worldly things to bring temporary happiness. (1 John 2:15-17 “For all that is in the world -- the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life -- is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.") I wanted to be stuck in childhood forever. When I saw the adults around me I thought to myself I never want to grow up. I looked at their lives and all I saw was depression, fighting, divorce, anger, financial problems, and etc.; why in the world would I want to be an adult? I was stuck in the mind of a child wishing I could go to “Never, Never Land”
WHO KNOWS THE DARKNESS I HAVE SEEN!! Only the Lord…has been there through it all, and been sovereign through it all. But the images, they will never cease to exist. I get chills when I truly remember. Even scarier than that though is when I see how sinful I really am and I sometimes think I want to run back to darkness. All the good gifts that God gives I have some how warped one way or another…Two years of my life I hate talking about for a reason…but sin is sin and to go into detail would only create unneeded pity or cause sinful thoughts for other people. (Romans 8:3-4 “For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh,God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.”)
I can no longer look at some of these beautiful gifts the same ever again no matter how hard I try. Those are my consequences. But bigger than my sin and bigger than my consequences is my saviors victory when he nailed each one of my sins to the cross and redeemed me so that I may live another day to tell others of this savior mightier than all the powers of darkness in this world as he has overcome the world. (John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”)
My identity is in you. It’s no wonder that without you I had no self worth because I am nothing and you are EVERYTHING!
(2 Corinthians 12:10 “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”)
“I dislike my horrible thoughts and I want to fix my actions. I need to remind myself in everything I do that God is watching me and should think ‘What would Jesus do’ I have no been bringing these Christian values everywhere I go and I should be. I need to bring them not only from church to home but to school, work, and extra curricular activities as well. It seems so hard to make God complete leader of my life because this means thinking about him 24/7 and thinking about the good I should be doing in my life. I just need to take small steps every day to lead to a better person with myself so I do not get discouraged when I fail. Failing is part of the process of trying. Trying at least means I have the courage to do something and changes things in my life. If I do fail I will try and try again even if it may never be accomplished. I want people to like me for being a sincere nice and kind Christian and know that I am this way because you God have made me that way. I do not want to do wrong in front of others and then claim out loud your name because I would be ashamed and I would dirty your name.
Not one person knows this but you Lord…so I’m not about to write it down for anyone to find out but I want to ask for forgiveness for these thoughts that do cross my mind that make me wonder. I hope for something that is so wrong. I do not like these thoughts. They give me excitement and wonder but I am ashamed of them. Why am I so weird?? I may seem like a pretty normal person who tries to do good but if someone where to go inside of my mind they may find me to be a sick psycho. I have a good way of controlling my inner evil I guess. I do not know if every one has the same trouble but I’m sure I am not alone. I’m glad you exist and that you are here with me. I love you Lord, my savior, and God my amazing creator.”
-This is truly my heart at the beginning to know who God really was in my life and as God of the universe. I still had a lot of things wrong. I still wanted to perform to earn God’s grace and be a good person…but even then God was breaking me down and I realized how evil I am not matter how much I could clean myself up on the outside. The thoughts that I was once to ashamed to even write in a private journal not only became a reality but it was something I talked about as if it were a normal part of life as I stepped further and further into temptation and sin.-
“Ok, so I decided when I was walking through store isles that I should begin writing again. It’s a good way to write down everything I’m feeling because sometimes I get lost in the my own thought and prayers and maybe writing them down would be a little easier for me. I’m not the best writer but I hope when I’m at least done writing I can understand what I wrote. I guess I should do a little recap of what has been happening in my life…it all started this summer. I have done things that I will admit make me feel guilty and I would not announce them to the world what I have done but I will ask God for his forgiveness and understanding. I have had more time to grow spiritually with God. I have been going to a bible study, church, and youth group every Sunday. I want to listen to each message and apply it to my life. I want to be a positive influence on people without having to preach to them. It is hard sometimes. I want to learn to love and forgive everyone. “
-I just got a new journal right after I just had a huge spiritual awakening/spiritual high and got baptized. This is all the beginning of my recordings, struggling with religion and true faith and seeing the two years I went through that helped me to truly understand God rightly even though it was full of sin and failings, the starting of this season of my life is what drew me to a humble repentance before the Lord-
“Prayer List
Leslie- I thank you Lord for bringing this kind young woman into my life, I pray that you can make her stay here in Indiana a little less lonely. I pray that you can keep her faith strong with you Lord.”
-This ended being my best friend…God used me to make her stay a little less lonely and God not only answered my prayer to keep her faith strong but used her to make my faith strong-
“Mom- I pray that you can work in my moms life. You have done amazing things for her and I can tell she has defiantly felt your grace and that’s an amazing thing”
-Later on when I truly understood the grace of God in my life and started living devout to him my mom started to live a life understanding the true grace and love of the Lord as well. My mom and I till this day can now encourage each other in the Lord.-
