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My first year of college is over. I have learned so much! From my teachers, the Bible, how to write better (kinda) and learning time managment, finances, creating friendships, getting involved in the church, all those things. I have had many times where I have wanted to rip my hair out and become anxious and worry about something that is not lasting. My grades are a big part of college but it cannot be my worth and I will learn from my mistakes and I will get better. I am so thankful for the Lord and the friends he has given me as accountability to get through. I have now been home for a few days and I have finally been able to take a deep breath and relax. I have really enjoyed the time I have had with my family so far. I see how God is still moving even while I have been away. I expect everything to have stayed the same when I came back, and even though much has stayed the same, much has changed. I can say I am thankful for changes I have seen. I'm thankful to see my mom closer in her relationship with the Lord and seeing my sister getting involved in a church and growing closer with the Lord. I'm thankful that God has even revealed to me some areas that I should be praying more for in my life. My family specifically. My dad and my step-mom for example, they are receptive to the gospel but I pray I would get to see real life change and fruit poured out from their lives. And when my sister came into town and as her and I had some time to spend alone, we both talked about how we felt burden to say hello to our grandfather...I haven't talked to in three years...We were both so nervous as we headed over there. Sad thing is he only lives five minutes away from home. He was so different, I saw him and he was skin and bones. I had prepared myself for it, but even then it was difficult. I saw my sister crying, wiping away her tears, as she held onto my grandfathers hand. Both of us had memories that flooded our head. It is hard when there is family strife and as grandchildren you just want to remember the "good old days." I don't want to hang on to any bitterness, or anger, or strife, I don't want to pretend like my grandpa is dead like everyone else has, when hes still alive! Seeing him I know had brought me a lot of peace, reconnection, and even some closure so that if anything did happen to him I wouldn't be torn apart with guilt because I decided to take everyones word that the grandpa I knew was gone. God is really working in my heart and preparing it before I officially start my internship in Virginia and I am so thankful for this time. I can say a million times over that I am so thankful that I have a mom and a sister and some other closer family that truly knows the Lord and they encourage me and uplift me and God has actually used me on a number of occasions to be a light to them and I couldn't have asked God for a greater blessing.

Wretched

WHY Lord why!? Why do I care??? Why do I care at all?! It does me nothing! ALL I EVER SEE….ALL THE PEOPLE I EVER GET TO INVEST IN DON’T EVEN STICK AROUND THEY WALK AWAY FROM ME THEY WALK AWAY FROM YOU….and I’M SICK OF MY HEART BEING BROKEN….OVER…and over…and over again….Oh God….is that how you feel? I don’t know I don’t know. I’m so ANGRY, so upset…Why do you give me a passion for lost people who don’t even seem to care about you! What good am I!? What good is it??! Am I wasting my time? What is wrong with me! HELP ME GOD HELP ME….I’m so hurt….I’m sick of crying…for people that don’t EVEN CARE…….uhg I hate my heart. Why am I so naive…why do I cry, why do I have compassion! I don’t want these feelings anymore! I don’t want them God! Help my sinful heart…because I am hurt and confused right now. Help me to seek you because I can’t even do that on my own, I can’t even do that right…

Past, Present, Future

I want to compare myself to other people and think…why can’t I be a mature, quite, calm, and well-respected woman? Then more people would like me; then more people would take me seriously. (Proverbs 31:30 “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”) But it doesn’t matter how many people like me. Lord you LOVE me! You saved me! I went through the things I went through that made me who I am and you came to me and love me despite me! You know my past, present, and future; you created me. I’m thankful that you are refining me and making me more like the image of your son Jesus. (Romans 8:28-29 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.”) I am thankful I am not in this alone because I cannot be the body of Christ alone…I have little to offer but we need every part of the body to function as one and I am apart of that. I came from a place of darkness that the only light I could see was to pretend that the darkness didn’t exist. I would pretend for a little while or delay the oppression with laughter until it died. (Proverbs 14:13“Even in laughter the heart may ache, and rejoicing may end in grief.”) I would fill my time with immature, stupid, worldly things to bring temporary happiness. (1 John 2:15-17 “For all that is in the world -- the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life -- is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.") I wanted to be stuck in childhood forever. When I saw the adults around me I thought to myself I never want to grow up. I looked at their lives and all I saw was depression, fighting, divorce, anger, financial problems, and etc.; why in the world would I want to be an adult? I was stuck in the mind of a child wishing I could go to “Never, Never Land”

WHO KNOWS THE DARKNESS I HAVE SEEN!! Only the Lord…has been there through it all, and been sovereign through it all.  But the images, they will never cease to exist. I get chills when I truly remember. Even scarier than that though is when I see how sinful I really am and I sometimes think I want to run back to darkness. All the good gifts that God gives I have some how warped one way or another…Two years of my life I hate talking about for a reason…but sin is sin and to go into detail would only create unneeded pity or cause sinful thoughts for other people. (Romans 8:3-4 “For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.”)

I can no longer look at some of these beautiful gifts the same ever again no matter how hard I try. Those are my consequences. But bigger than my sin and bigger than my consequences is my saviors victory when he nailed each one of my sins to the cross and redeemed me so that I may live another day to tell others of this savior mightier than all the powers of darkness in this world as he has overcome the world. (John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”)

My identity is in you. It’s no wonder that without you I had no self worth because I am nothing and you are EVERYTHING!

(2 Corinthians 12:10 “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”)

           

Broken Peices Made Whole (Part II)

11/03/07

“I dislike my horrible thoughts and I want to fix my actions. I need to remind myself in everything I do that God is watching me and should think ‘What would Jesus do’ I have no been bringing these Christian values everywhere I go and I should be. I need to bring them not only from church to home but to school, work, and extra curricular activities as well. It seems so hard to make God complete leader of my life because this means thinking about him 24/7 and thinking about the good I should be doing in my life. I just need to take small steps every day to lead to a better person with myself so I do not get discouraged when I fail. Failing is part of the process of trying. Trying at least means I have the courage to do something and changes things in my life. If I do fail I will try and try again even if it may never be accomplished. I want people to like me for being a sincere nice and kind Christian and know that I am this way because you God have made me that way. I do not want to do wrong in front of others and then claim out loud your name because I would be ashamed and I would dirty your name.

Not one person knows this but you Lord…so I’m not about to write it down for anyone to find out but I want to ask for forgiveness for these thoughts that do cross my mind that make me wonder. I hope for something that is so wrong. I do not like these thoughts. They give me excitement and wonder but I am ashamed of them. Why am I so weird?? I may seem like a pretty normal person who tries to do good but if someone where to go inside of my mind they may find me to be a sick psycho. I have a good way of controlling my inner evil I guess. I do not know if every one has the same trouble but I’m sure I am not alone. I’m glad you exist and that you are here with me. I love you Lord, my savior, and God my amazing creator.”

-This is truly my heart at the beginning to know who God really was in my life and as God of the universe. I still had a lot of things wrong. I still wanted to perform to earn God’s grace and be a good person…but even then God was breaking me down and I realized how evil I am not matter how much I could clean myself up on the outside. The thoughts that I was once to ashamed to even write in a private journal not only became a reality but it was something I talked about as if it were a normal part of life as I stepped further and further into temptation and sin.-

Broken Peices Made Whole (Part 1)

10/29/07

“Ok, so I decided when I was walking through store isles that I should begin writing again. It’s a good way to write down everything I’m feeling because sometimes I get lost in the my own thought and prayers and maybe writing them down would be a little easier for me. I’m not the best writer but I hope when I’m at least done writing I can understand what I wrote. I guess I should do a little recap of what has been happening in my life…it all started this summer. I have done things that I will admit make me feel guilty and I would not announce them to the world what I have done but I will ask God for his forgiveness and understanding. I have had more time to grow spiritually with God. I have been going to a bible study, church, and youth group every Sunday. I want to listen to each message and apply it to my life. I want to be a positive influence on people without having to preach to them. It is hard sometimes. I want to learn to love and forgive everyone. “

-I just got a new journal right after I just had a huge spiritual awakening/spiritual high and got baptized. This is all the beginning of my recordings, struggling with religion and true faith and seeing the two years I went through that helped me to truly understand God rightly even though it was full of sin and failings, the starting of this season of my life is what drew me to a humble repentance before the Lord-

“Prayer List

Leslie- I thank you Lord for bringing this kind young woman into my life, I pray that you can make her stay here in Indiana a little less lonely. I pray that you can keep her faith strong with you Lord.”

-This ended being my best friend…God used me to make her stay a little less lonely and God not only answered my prayer to keep her faith strong but used her to make my faith strong-

“Mom- I pray that you can work in my moms life. You have done amazing things for her and I can tell she has defiantly felt your grace and that’s an amazing thing”

-Later on when I truly understood the grace of God in my life and started living devout to him my mom started to live a life understanding the true grace and love of the Lord as well. My mom and I till this day can now encourage each other in the Lord.-

Broken Peices Made Whole (Intro)

I found many old journals of mine. I am going to travel back in time. I will remember the pain, I will remember the sorrow, but most of all I will remember God's redeeming love. When I look back at the shattered broken pieces of my heart I see how Jesus Christ, my redeemer, has made me whole and continues to piece back the shards of my broken heart. I am excited to go back...it is insane recognizing ALL the prayers he answered, the change, and healing he has brought in these (almost) three years of restoration. I'm so excited to share with others the hardships, the miracles and the blessings, I pray its an encouragement for anyone who reads as it is for me to write :)

Imagery

What are you but a dream in my head?

A dark mist envelops me into a haze of confusion.

I am an idea

Stuck in the head of a mind that can’t express itself

Thoughts spill on paper; are they nothing but words of red ink?

I am a journal

Etched in blood that drips from my own beating heart

Do these words have feeling?

Do they have a purpose?

I am a nothing

Though my heart is spilled out and bleeding into every page

Dripping with guilt and shame, only one can white out the despair.

You are God

Glorify

Lord, I thank you for all that you give, all that you do, all that you have done, and all that you are. You are God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. You’re almighty God, three in one; you’re the beginning and the end. You’re the creator of life and have control over all that is and ever was. You’re Holy, worth magnifying. All who behold you, pour out of their mouth words of thankfulness and praise. Just when I think there is nothing more you could do to show me your love you continue to show me everyday your love. Your faithfulness is beyond beauty. When I am faithless you are faithful; you have sealed me with the gift of your Holy Spirit that lives inside me and you promise you cannot deny yourself. It’s not that I have done any good but that your Holy Spirit within me produces fruit that is truly worthy; never giving me the glory but always giving you the glory. Producing fruit that will last into the kingdom for eternity. Your son who is the most precious gift you have given humanity is worthy to be praised forever. He understands all human kind as he walked our ways, faced our troubles and temptations, and remained blameless and pure without sin. It doesn’t matter if he lived centuries ago, the sins of today are still the same as yesterday, the day before, and so on; they have only taken on different forms. I will not look to the future or another day to glorify you but today I will glorify you and magnify your name. The Lord does not love the future me anymore than he loves me today; my righteousness before God is not based on my growth or the good things I do or have done but purely on God’s son Jesus Christ who died on the cross to take on the sins of those who confess his name. God be Lord over my life, all that I am, all that I was, and all that I ever will be.