I
need you. I feel so distant, I sometimes feel like I am just blindly walking in
this life from one day to the next not taking your word seriously. You have
called me to ultimate sacrifice and joy and you have done so because you have
already given an ultimate sacrifice, yourself, and you did it with joy…for me.
Why don’t I enjoy you? My life can be mundane, it can be full of trials, and it
can be filled with happy moments…but shouldn’t my joy for you surpass it all? I
read your word and it makes sense…but it is not touching my heart. I hear how
your changing lives but I remain still and unmoved. I’m afraid of sacrifice and
giving up the things that make me numb to the issues I face or the emotions I
don’t want to feel. I see my sin way more than I want to and run to people to
help me fill the void or resolve my issue and walk away feeling irritated at
myself, or at them and remain void. The question is not so much “Where are
you?” but “Where am I?” I already know that your always with me and I believe
that but God what is wrong with me!? Please change my heart and help me to see
outside of myself…I miss the community. I miss feeling like I have purpose as I
have no job right now. Please…I just want to be used by you. Help me to repent
and change the areas of my life that need it so I may find my joy in you and
give you glory God…I admit I still don’t know what that looks like and I maybe
figuring that out for the rest of my life but in the meantime give me joy
beyond this world while I am figuring it out.
How do I start? Well first off I had never
been to New York City. It was awesome. The man made structures are beautiful
and very neat to look at. But as much as I can say I enjoyed New York City,
with its tall skyscrapers, statues, and vastness of how big the city is, seeing
the cool things that mankind has created still pales in comparison to what God
has already naturally created. I'm in awe when I look at the mountains. I
cannot believe the vastness when lying underneath the stars in pitch black,
unable to count how many are in the sky. The moment the sun rises above the
horizon and I stare silently. The way Niagara Falls and many other waterfalls
just make me think of Gods majesty and yet I feel calm and relaxed by their
beauty. And I can never get over looking at the ocean and realizing just how
small I really am. I have seen all these things in person and I still hear that
the Grand Canyon is one of the most beautiful things anyone has ever seen. At
this point I can only take their word for it. But my whole point is that God
creates amazing and beautiful things! And he even created us! We are made in
his image and I believe just like our creator we want to create amazing and
beautiful things. But because he is perfect...his is way more majestic than
ours ever will be. And sadly I believe we are hindered from being able to
create even greater things because we as humanity have been cut off from the
one true God by the disobedience of the first created man and women that has
been passed down generation to generation. That is why we have wars. That is
why we have "innocent people” dying from disasters. We know everyone dies
one day...but why? Those are our consequences for disobedience to a perfect
God. I'm not saying we can't be good without God, I'm saying that none of us
can be perfect. Everyone says it,"I'm not perfect" and we take it lightly how holy and perfect
God is. Honestly he could have started over from the beginning after Adam and
Eve disobeyed, but God made a promise to rescue them as well, that the seed of
the woman would crush the head of Satan, the evil one, that made Eve question
God to begin with.God wanted to
redeem mankind from the beginning and he gave us a choice to choose him or not,
so we are not just robots forced to "love" God. I'm so thankful that
I have hope beyond the imperfections I see in me and in this world. There is a
lot of brokenness and sadness because of our sin. Yet Christ gives us a hope
now and for our future. I have hope now because I do believe in Jesus Christ as
savior. Gods own son who lived the perfect life we could not live and died on
the cross, taking the wrath of God that we deserved. It may seem unfair that
God would do such a thing...but we take our sin to lightly when we begin to
think like that. Christ saved me! How do I know? Because he conquered death and
on the third day he rose from the grave! He saved me, us, not just from the
wrath of God, but gives you and I his Holy Spirit when we believe so that we
may be able to live and follow Jesus Christ. That I would be apart of a people
who have found this same hope as me and is striving towards this same goal to
encourage each other and share that fact that there is a savior for the world.
I must remember the church is a people, not a building, and if I'm not perfect,
I shouldn't expect them to be either. Loving someone despite personality
differences is hard, but as Christ has loved us and forgiven us, so should we
love and forgive others. And I'm so thankful I will one day not have to
struggle against my sinful nature but will COMPLETELY rest in the new heavens
and earth that God will create for those that trust in his perfect sacrifice to
reunite us with him.
I
strayed quite a bit from what I did in New York City, but honestly this is the
whole reason I went New York, was to share this good news with other people.
Not only that, I am reminded this week of these very truths. And I was able to
see God work and move in mighty ways. At times I have a hard time believing
that God could move the mountains... I asked God to help my unbelief.I'm was and am tired of trying to do
things in my own strength. I needed the spirit of God to do the things I got to
see happen this week. The Lord needed to stretch me and I was uncomfortable. I
was constantly nervous with butterflies before I would go out and strike up
random conversation with a stranger. I needed the spirit to guide me the right
people. I had to constantly be on alert and in prayer. I only averaged six
hours of sleep a night and was go, go, go all day. For those of you that know
me I have a hard time with only six hours, I can become cranky, and I get sick
easy, but God brought me to the end of myself.Overall I got to share the whole gospel with over 20 people
and got to pray for a lot more than that! Some of those I approached were
believers and unbelievers. I didn’t personally "lead" anyone to
Christ but I got to see a couple people desperate to be saved and saw them turn
their lives over to Christ. It was beautiful. The biggest thing I want to take
home from this trip is that I can be more intentional while I'm at home to
share the gospel. It doesn't have to be awkward, I just have to ask The Lord to
help me and lead me to gospel conversation. If Christ is truly on my heart and
mind that should be easy for me...because I love talking about The Lord. I
don't want to be fearful of mankind anymore! I want to trust God! That even
when I look like a fool to those that are perishing, I share the hope I have
and the love I have in my Lord Jesus Christ. I will also say I was surprised
how open people were to talk with us in New York. I had only ever heard people
are to busy, hardened, and unwilling to talk. But that is where prayer changes
things, because The Spirit was definitely at work. It was also crazy to know
that a couple of different groups I got to talk to, one visiting from Belgium
and another from France, had either never heard the gospel or their knowledge
was VERY limited and God allowed me to share as they were intent to here truth
they never heard before. And this was one of the tools that we got to use to help share the gospel (http://viewthestory.com/5378) I have many stories of when I was able to go out and
talk to people in the streets and parks but I will just tell you my favorite
one.
I was in Manhattan Central Park in NYC (picture to the right). It
was a beautiful day. I couldn't have asked for better weather. There were many people in the park that day, but it is New
York, I have no idea if there is ever a day that the park was not full of
people. This was actually toward the end of our stay in the park that day and
we had many good conversations but this one stuck out to me as my partner Jesse
and I were praying we approached a man fishing with a young girl in the park
and was able to strike up conversation.First it was just about fishing, then about heritage, family, etc. but I
saw the young girl sitting alone and decided to sit down by her side. I asked
her name and she was shy at first but she soon became a little chatterbox. She
told me her all her favorite things and where she went to school and about all her
cousins and the fun things she gets to do with them. I got to know her favorite
movies and shows and be able to use that incorporate my favorite movies and
stories and share the story of Jesus with her. I had a bracelet with green,
blue, red, gold, and clear beads would that would remind her of God’s story for
her and for us all. Each bead represented a part of the gospel:
Green: Creation
Blue: Sadness, brokenness, the fall
Red: The blood of Jesus covering our
sins
Gold: God sanctifying and redeeming
us
Clear: That God has made these things
clear to us and that we should make aclear decision for to follow after him.
I
found out she LOVES to read and when I handed her the Bible I asked if she had
a book like this, she shook her head no and I said “it’s yours.” She was so
excited when I gave her a Bible that specifically helps give a summary of each
book of the Bible with a really neat cover. I told her some of my favorite
stories in The Bible, and marked out some easy stories to start with in
Genesis, the book of Ruth, and said if she really wanted to get to know Jesus
more to read about what his good friend John wrote about him. She told me she
couldn't wait to read them and gave me a high five and hug before I left. That
moment was very special for me. Kids are so open and I pray this young girl
really comes to know this amazing savior I know and that this seed can be
watered and grow. I praise God for all the many moments I had but I'm very
thankful for this little girl who was so open to hear that day :)
This song has been my theme song this past week and all I can do is sing it over and over again. It’s been quite a
journey everyone. All I can say is in times like these God only proves to me
time and time AND TIME again that He is real, He is good, and He answers
prayers! No lie, He really answers prayers. This season of life has had its ups
and downs but I can tell you that what has made it so much better is that my
JOY is in the Lord! Yes…I have days of doubts, yes I have days of fear, yes I
have days of anxiousness, but He has been my strength, my stronghold, my
support. When I cry out I know He hears me. He is close, He is near, and I am
loved. He loves me as His daughter! Isn’t it amazing to know that God calls us
His children! Making us pure and blameless as we walk toward Him. This past
week I have seen the church move and act as the church should move and act like
in the book of Acts. It makes me so thankful for my church, imago Dei.
I wanted to let
everyone know that the reason I am telling you all these things is because of
my friend…you know the one I told you about in my last blog post. Well I think
everyone knows this friend of mine, her name is Summer. And she has given me
permission to share her story. First off let me give you a glimpse into this
journey. After I Summer and I filled out her application for Teen Challenge, at
this point it was just a waiting process. For Summer the waiting was really
hard as she was still out in the streets tempted by all her surroundings. She
wanted to run from temptation and didn’t know how and so instead she felt
frustrated and ran to the only thing she knew when her thoughts went dark. She
went to the psychiatric hospital. When I heard this I was not happy at first;
thinking she was reverting and giving up. But her going ended up working in our
favor and being a huge blessing. They agreed with her to help detox her off her
medications and would do all the testing needed for her to enter into teen
challenge and write the doctor consent form that she would be mentally stable
enough to go to teen challenge. I was there every night either physically or a
on the phone to talk to her, to listen, to encourage, and help her to remember
the hope she has in Christ. She made it through the detox, and she was released
from the hospital. God has been definitely been reminding me how little control
I have and how much He is the master and His timing is perfect. She was going
to be back on the streets and I had such little trust that she would remain
clean after being out there for a couple nights. God only proved to me that He
was working in her heart in such a way and helping her with the temptations
when she got out. I was so upset though looking for help from my church family
to get her off the streets until she got to teen challenge. So a friend,
neighbor, and fellow church member of mine, was given a bonus check…and I cried
and leapt with joy when she told me she was willing and able to help by using
it to get her into a hotel for a couple days. Not only that she went above and
beyond and wrote such an encouraging note and had a “goodie bag” for my friend
when she arrived at the hotel. On top of all that I also had to work that
weekend and another couple from my church was willing to pick her up and take
her to the hotel. On TOP of THAT another couple from the church came to visit
and encourage her while she was there and made her some food. After her stay in
the hotel she came to stay with my roommates and I for a couple more nights
before I could get her to teen challenge. This was also a process and Monday
wasn’t easy…as the slush came and kept us all cooped up inside. I only heard
more of Summer’s pains and hurts from her life as she continued to open up to
me more and more…and I truly realized only God can heal her, I can’t even begin
to imagine or handle the pain she has had to go through. I feel like I tried to
feel what she felt and I couldn’t handle it and I broke down and just cried out
to God to heal her and help me because I am SOOOOO incapable. I don’t know what
its like to not have a mom…or a dad that does not love me or protect me. I
don’t know what its like to feel completely abandoned or abused. I don’t know
what its like to lose everything. Just when I didn’t know if I could handle it
anymore when I talked with teen challenge they said everything was a go for
Wednesday. I was so excited! Also I then was able to get in touch with the
leaders from my church and they were willing to meet up with Summer to see how
serious she was about this commitment to teen challenge, and they helped pay
the rest of the application/down payment fee she needed upon arrival. Also I
had a Growth Group from my church willing to help me out as I had to work that
Tuesday night to have her hang out with them and enjoy company with them until
I could come pick her up. So after that night we figured all the last minute
details, went to bed, and woke up for our road trip to Elizabeth City. It ended
up being about a 3 hour drive but we got there in plenty of time. I met one of
the women leaders in teen challenge and as soon as I met her I felt overwhelmed
with peace, and joy. As we entered into the home I only felt more joy as it
just felt like…well a home. I felt so comforted by the structure and
everything they do at teen challenge and knew I was leaving Summer in safe
hands. Summers day will kind of look like this: Wake up at 6am, devotions,
breakfast, group bible study, chapel, lunch, choir/music practice, service or
other projects, dinner, free time, and bedtime. This will very from day to day
and week to week but most of the time stays the same. They have mentors,
counselors, and prayer partners. Their program is a three-phase program where
they are first introduced to get used to living situations, get used to the way
of life there, and small tasks and assignments to complete. Phase two will help
them carry more responsibility as they make grocery list and shopping, chores,
and other work projects and other responsibilities. Phase three will
re-introduce them to the living world by putting them into a house apartment
next door owned by teen challenge once they have a job and they will then pay
rent to live in the house/apartment still under supervision of teen challenge
but definitely teaching them to budget their money and finances and helping
them to become completely independent. From there they can decide to stay in
Elizabeth city and continue to work and find their own place or go back to
school and “be sent off” into the world. I was able to meet
some of the other ladies that are in the teen challenge program and they were
so loving and excited as they had only expressed how God had used this program
to change their lives and some of them now working jobs going back to school
and all these good things. I prayed over Summer and said my goodbyes and left
knowing she was in good hands. The battle is not over yet though as there are
still some loose financial strands that need to be tied up. But most important
this needs to be soaked in prayer. Summer was really excited but she too was
also very nervous and anxious. She will need lots and lots of prayer and
hopefully this will finally be the changing point in her life where she will be
a “new creation” and the old will be gone and the new will come. Honestly
if I could I could probably write all night about all that God has been doing
in my life recently…I mean these are just one of the many things blessing that
has been going on in my life and though its not been a piece of cake its been
joyful because it all has made me rely on the Lord. I’m also so thankful for my
family who have also been a major part in making all these things possible and
for their financial and prayer support. Thank
you EVERYONE!!!
(if anyone feels led to help financially let me know, and fill out the form below, has info below)
-A total of $600 a month is required to cover the living
expenses along with the extra curricular Teen Challenge has.
-Summer is officially entered into teen challenge but still
needs $400 for the month of March as quickly as possible and those willing to
commit monthly
-All checks can be made payable to Albemarle
Teen Challenge, and noted (bottom left of check) with attendants first and last
name: Summer Halsey (In the newsletter there is an address you can send the
check directly to Teen Challenge)
-All funds will be put into a
specific account for Summer, used by the facility to pay for living expenses.
She can access her account only with special requested privileges from staff
for needed items.
I have a friend. I will keep her
name anonymous for now, but I have known her for a little over a year. I first
met her picking her up from a women’s homeless shelter. I was given the
opportunity to take her to be apart of my church growth group. It was a bunch
of us college age students and she was more than happy to be apart and get to
know new people. I enjoyed getting to know her. She had a fun personality,
though she seemed nervous, and anxious many of times. I asked her why and she
blurted out much of her past, her insecurities, and her sins to me. She has
told me it was to tell me the worst of her so that way she would know if I
would run away. Instead I could only reflect on the truth that God has taken me
from my brokenness and sin and into his loving and gracious arms, and I wanted
to display nothing but the grace that God had given to me, and still gives me,
to my friend. There had been many up and downs to our friendship, and my heart
would be excited when I thought I saw God moving but I’ll be honest…many of
times I’ve been disappointed. The scary part is emotionally investing in
someone and trying to understand and feel their hurts and pains and sometimes I
found it hurt me. In the year that we have known each other I too would pull
back from the friendship because I just didn’t know how to help and it hurt
knowing there was nothing I could do. Our friendship has had its lulls and I
have often times put it in the back burner…first just because life can get
crazy busy, and second because so it seemed we were parting ways. Until God,
for whatever reason, burdened my heart HEAVY for my friend. I wasn’t sure why.
So I prayed through these things. I decided to get lunch with her not to long
ago. I assumed things might be the same and just as always I wanted to be her
friend, whether she was doing well or doing bad. But she was telling me she knew
she wanted something drastic to happen in the new year of 2014. She then told
me about a program that perked my ears. It is called teen challenge. It’s a yearlong
commitment to help with drugs, alcohol, and spiritual bondage. They use
biblical principles to help the women who go there with these things. Unlike
most commitments to an organization I felt different about this one as she was
describing it. After our lunch I decided to take a look at it for myself. It
sounds wonderful…I then saw this movie trailer called “Gimme Shelter.” It was
pretty much a representation of the hardships and pain my friend has had to go
through in her life and yet…there was hope, hope in God, hope in Christ, hope
in community. I went to look at show times and it was only played at one
theater in town and a late show time at 10pm. I was determined to take my
friend to see this movie. So I told her I wanted to have a special night where
I would take her to get some dinner, fill out the application for teen
challenge, watch this movie together, and she would spend the night at my home
thanks to all my roommates. We filled out the application and I could tell even
then it was not going to be the easiest process for my friend, as she had to
answer some really hard and real questions from her past and her present. After
we filled it out we went to the movie. Mind you I haven’t seen her cry…at least
not like this. From beginning to end her face was full of tears and so were
mine. We went back to my place after the movie, got to talk and pray together
and went to bed. The next day we decided to call the teen challenge center to ask
a few questions. The lady who picked up the phone was very kind, and she
sounded so happy. She was actually one of the girls still in the program
herself. She was telling us all about teen challenge and even though there are
definitely some tough things about it, it was worth it. We even got to talk to
the pastor and head of teen challenge and he informed us there was an open bed
and to get her application over as soon as possible. There is a good chance my
friend could get into this program, and there is also a good chance she may
not…but whatever happens I must trust God, and leave my friend in Gods hands.
Please be praying for this friend of mine and be praying for me as well because
I know that as much as I prepare myself for it, I will be sad if she doesn’t get
to go. I just…I just see this as the tool God could use to break her physical,
emotional, and spiritual bondage and pain and I really do care about her.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjyi_dMhyIs
(this is the URL to watch the movie trailer for Gimme Shelter)
It’s my question right now. Though I want an answer,
though I want understanding and I want to know exactly what God wants to do
with my life…I have to trust that even though I don’t know what I am doing with
my life, He does.
Why is my subconscious going crazy?
In my first dream
I am carrying an item of importance to me…my
stuffed lamb. And I always associate my lamb to when I became a Christian…In my
dream there are people trying to steal it from me but I resist…but I see so
many lost! So many lost! So many lost... and wandering…and wandering. So many hurt
and they have no clue how to see the truth that will set them free.
In my second dream
I’m in the airport…I’m with my mom and sister. I hear sirens
going off and the airport goes into a lockdown. The gates start closing, planes
stop taking off. And all the TVs turn on showing footage of panic and chaos of
a nuclear bomb going off, a nuclear war. The airport PA system alerts that
nuclear bombs are going off all around the world. I look at my mom and sister
and hold them close, but the only thing I can really think of is that I know so
many people who are unsaved and say
“I
wish I could have done more…I wish I could have done more!”
And I am awake.
This has challenged me. There are many other things that I
would rather not share publicly that I am asking “why?” to…but this got me
thinking why did I dream these dreams? More than anything I want to love you
God and be passionate about YOU and I want that to reflect in the things I do
no matter where I am at. I ask YOU to change my heart no matter where I am
Lord! I truly want to do what YOUR word says and to be more like YOU and be
sanctified set apart. I want to be on fire for you Lord!
Generally a movie conveys meaning, a thrill, or maybe just a happy or funny moment in time to escape from reality.
“The Perks of Being a Wallflower,” for some odd reason, played on ALL my emotions.
You either love it or hate it. In my case I loved it and hated it. It
brought back memories, some good, some bad; it showed pain; it showed
joy; but the ultimate reality that hit me was the underlying tone of
hopelessness. Others may disagree with me on this because so it seemed
that the movie had it’s “happy ending.” It still left me in utter
despair at the end of the movie crying in pain. And I know why…my
worldview as a Christian makes me see through lenses completely
different than everyone else. This is not a bad thing; this is a good
thing. Though it makes me heart feel so vulnerable and easily crushed.
If anything, it spurs me on to be real about my faith and want to share
it. I had heard the phrase ”you keep to yourself and do what works for
you and I’ll do what works for me.” It’s not that simple. I cannot keep
to myself. If I truly believe there is only one God, that we broke
relationship with him, that we are now separated from him, and that
there is only one that was perfect enough (Christ) to reunite us with
God, and I truly believe in hell, a place eternally separate from
God…WOULD I NOT BE A HORRIBLE PERSON NOT TO TELL EVERYONE I KNEW! If I
truly walked around believing there was a hell and I truly walked around
believing there is a Magnificent, Holy, Loving God, and there is a way
to once and for all to be re-united with him, wouldn’t it seem more
uncaring of me to say I believe and never share it with others? I don’t
want anyone…anyone to perish.
No matter who you are, or what religion, I think most people would
agree that death is devastating. It still hurts and it never feels
“natural” that someone should just die. There is mourning over death;
the departure of a person from this life. So if we were to make our life
into a movie there really would be no such thing as a Happily Ever
After…and if we were to make it to “The End” of our life movie it would
always be a sad ending because everyone’s life ends in death! And even
in a Christian worldview, where I truly believe that even after death
there really is a “Happily Ever After,” death is not easy to swallow.
This is why I want to still do counseling, this is why I want to work
with kids, and I want to deeply cherish and love people…because this is
the only hope I have…and if I didn’t have it I’m not so sure I would be
around today. Because even as a Christian I have to fight for the joy I
have in Christ because this world is still tough and I still have
problems just like everyone else but I have hope in God that keeps me
going.
What kind of hope is it to think we have just evolved and are now in
control of our own lives? Our lives are always out of control, we can
never really predict what is going to happen next. To think we just die
and that’s it. Your dead and no one is more than likely going to
remember you after 100 years.
Or what about trying to earn favor with God…because my goodness that
has to be tiring. I mean how many good works do we have to do to “earn”
God’s favor? How do we know that we have truly done more good than bad?
Is it because we follow the laws here on earth? Well if we are all
sinful what makes us think following laws here on earth matter in the
kingdom of heaven? It may make us “good” in the standards of the world,
but not in the standards of a Holy and perfect God.
I love the fact that I can finally admit that I am so messed up and
that I can’t do it on my own! That I have a God willing to love me
despite how much I fail…and now I can fall in the arms of my savior and
say “SAVE ME!!! I CAN’T DO IT! I NEED YOU, I NEED YOU!” I don’t have to
worry about controlling my life and messing it up, I don’t have to worry
about trying to do enough good to cancel out my bad…He did it all. I
have a savior I can trust in and want to love Him and all people while I
am here on this earth…until I can one day be reunited with him for all
eternity and knowing I had given all my effort to share this with as
many people as I could here in this world. And I desire to see YOU right
there with me in eternity.
My first year of college is over. I have learned so much! From my teachers, the Bible, how to write better (kinda) and learning time managment, finances, creating friendships, getting involved in the church, all those things. I have had many times where I have wanted to rip my hair out and become anxious and worry about something that is not lasting. My grades are a big part of college but it cannot be my worth and I will learn from my mistakes and I will get better. I am so thankful for the Lord and the friends he has given me as accountability to get through. I have now been home for a few days and I have finally been able to take a deep breath and relax. I have really enjoyed the time I have had with my family so far. I see how God is still moving even while I have been away. I expect everything to have stayed the same when I came back, and even though much has stayed the same, much has changed. I can say I am thankful for changes I have seen. I'm thankful to see my mom closer in her relationship with the Lord and seeing my sister getting involved in a church and growing closer with the Lord. I'm thankful that God has even revealed to me some areas that I should be praying more for in my life. My family specifically. My dad and my step-mom for example, they are receptive to the gospel but I pray I would get to see real life change and fruit poured out from their lives. And when my sister came into town and as her and I had some time to spend alone, we both talked about how we felt burden to say hello to our grandfather...I haven't talked to in three years...We were both so nervous as we headed over there. Sad thing is he only lives five minutes away from home. He was so different, I saw him and he was skin and bones. I had prepared myself for it, but even then it was difficult. I saw my sister crying, wiping away her tears, as she held onto my grandfathers hand. Both of us had memories that flooded our head. It is hard when there is family strife and as grandchildren you just want to remember the "good old days." I don't want to hang on to any bitterness, or anger, or strife, I don't want to pretend like my grandpa is dead like everyone else has, when hes still alive! Seeing him I know had brought me a lot of peace, reconnection, and even some closure so that if anything did happen to him I wouldn't be torn apart with guilt because I decided to take everyones word that the grandpa I knew was gone. God is really working in my heart and preparing it before I officially start my internship in Virginia and I am so thankful for this time. I can say a million times over that I am so thankful that I have a mom and a sister and some other closer family that truly knows the Lord and they encourage me and uplift me and God has actually used me on a number of occasions to be a light to them and I couldn't have asked God for a greater blessing.
